Next summer

I wrote this summer last year, and at the time it was such a wild dream. To do anything other than my office job seemed impossibly out of reach. But eventually curiosity won out over fear. Reaching, and seeing what would happen. And it happened.
All of these dreams, and more and more and more. More incredible and life changing and humbling than I ever dreamed.

Here is your reminder, that even when the things your soul demands you to do are more challenging and terrifying than you thought they could be, to never give up reaching. Let your curiosity be bigger than your fear.

Feel it all.

SCEPTICAL / HOPEFUL

I dreamt about Mum and Dad last night, we were on a beach holiday or something and the air was cool. Not summer. They were both softer, quietly confident. Dad died in his sleep and Mum was heartbroken because she loved him. I was rocked because he'd been the best Dad in the world.
I woke up and realised I'm not just sad for all that isn't, I'm sad for all that won't be. And try as you might to stitch some semblance of 'family' back together, we'll never share grief like that. Those dark beautiful moments will never be. I've thought about how our weddings will be different. Graduations and babies and celebrations. It never crossed my mind that we lose out on the sad moments too.

What happens when love isn't love anymore? Are you supposed to go on? Pretending? What happens when one person wants out and one person wants in, and you both made a promise that you were all in. For all of time.

What happens though, if you're not the person you were when you promised that? What if they're a different person from the one you promised to? We are physically different. Emotionally. Spiritually. There are loop holes.
But a promise doesn't make you love someone. The decision to love comes long before the promise.

I am so wary of all the potential for two people to hurt each other. And yet so convinced that it's in the relationships that our souls blossom. Giving your life to someone as they give you theirs, that's beautiful. Even at the start it's beautiful. And in my quest to live the heck out of life I want this thing too. I want to figure out how to be with someone and really be. All I am and all they are together. Like my dream job in Africa, find out that my dream boy is real effing reality. Bloody hard and soul stretching. Sacrifice and not all you thought it would be, but so much more and still not enough. But here you are and you are here so live the crap out of it.

The point was never to fill yourself up so you add up to enough. It's to pour it out, pour it out, pour it out. And you'll never do enough of that either. Give and take, give and take. Find the balance in the imbalance. Rest in that beautiful horrible surety that nothing will ever be enough. And that is enough.